Puckleberry Drabbles
by lauralovesnaley
Summary: A collection of drabbles I've made for the Puck/Rachel Drabble Meme.  Rated M mostly for language but there's also some mild sexual content
1. Do You Want To Know Something?

**Prompt:** "Do you want to know something?"  
"No."  
"I'm telling you anyway."  
"Damn, Berry. Shocker."

* * *

"Do you want to know something?" Rachel says, and Puck can't help but scowl. Seriously, when he's in the middle of foreplay he doesn't want to hear anything but moans of pleasure or something along the lines of "More" or "Oh God, Noah." Anything else is an unwanted distraction from the end goal. So, he answers her honestly.

"No, not really."

Rachel is shocked and seems to ponder his words for a minute before saying, "Well too bad, I'm telling you anyway."

"Damn Berry, shocker," Puck says, his tone dripping with sarcasm.

Rachel was truly offended. In a kicked-kitten voice she says, "I was just gonna say that no one can get me as worked up as you do with just one touch and that you should touch me more because it felt so good."

That's all the invitation Puck needs. The halted foreplay resumes, and pretty soon, foreplay turns into the mind-blowing sex they've both been craving.

"Hey Noah," Rachel says, while they're laying in the bed in post-coital bliss.

"Hmm?"

"Do you want to know something?" Puck's already got this question wrong once. He's not making that mistake again.

"If that 'something' is about my kick-ass sex skills, then my answer is and always is hell yes," he responds.

Let's just say, Puck definitely wanted to know what Rachel told him, and he proved her statements true a few more times that night.


	2. Your Hands Are Freezing

**Prompt:** "Fuck Rach- your hands are freezing"

* * *

Puck is fucked and not in the way he'd like to be.

You see, all was well and good. Puck was getting used to the whole "being a boyfriend" situation and was doing fairly well at it. Things with him and Rachel were progressing along nicely. They fought less, though they still fought because hello, they're still Puck and Rachel. They were more open with each other: Puck would occasionally disclose feelings to Rachel and Rachel would occasionally let Puck cop a feel. Overall, all was swell in Puckleberry land.

Rachel had invited Puck over for the annual Berry household December 24th "We Don't Recognize Christmas as a Holiday" Dinner. But because Rachel's dads always agreed to work on Christmas Eve for their Christian co-workers, Rachel and he had the luxury of a couple hours alone before the Berry fathers arrived home. And somehow (it wasn't all that difficult), Puck had convinced Rachel that making out was a whole lot better than preparing dinner.

So they begin making 's not stopping Puck's touches in the slightest, and Puck can tell this is going to be one good night. But it gets even better than he imagined when Rachel begins unbuttoning his jeans.

"Rach baby, are you sure?" Puck breathily lets out. Even though he wants nothing more than for her to continue what she's starting, she's his girlfriend and all of these 'first time' memories should be her best memories and they're not going to be if she feels forced. _Shut up, it's not like he's all sensitive and shit. He just prides himself on never leaving a woman unsatisfied._

"I'm…sure…" Rachel says and continues by getting Puck's jeans completely off him. She laughs at his Santa Claus boxers that oh-so-appropriately say 'Ho Ho Ho' and mutters "sacrilege" before sliding those down as well.

And things stop for a moment for Rachel. This is just wow. It looks nothing like what those anatomy books show, and even with her limited experience, Rachel could tell that Puck was well endowed. Suddenly feeling a bit overwhelmed, Rachel reaches over to the glass of ice water on her nightstand. Now, she begins to think of what she's about to do and being Rachel, she ponders things for quite some time. "This is it Rachel; it's now or never," she tells herself, then takes a gulp of water, sets the glass on the nightstand and reaches for Puck's length.

Puck sees Rachel about to grab his cock, and he can hardly contain himself. He closes his eyes so he can feel the full effect of Rachel's hands and then…ice cubes. No literally, that's what he thinks he's feeling. Is Rachel trying to play some kind of joke on him because this shit isn't funny.

"Fuck Rach- your hands are freezing," is all he can let out because really, it feels like something's freezing his dick off. He didn't even know that was possible.

Apparently that's not the smooth talking your girlfriend would like when she's trying to give her first hand job because Rachel releases him almost instantly, runs to the other side of her room and pouts in the corner. Oh shit, he's done for. He's seen this sequence before, a minute of pouting followed by…

"Noah Puckerman, you are such a brute. I'm opening myself so much to you, and that's the kind of encouragement I get. I'm a moment away from going to the Hardware store and getting you a filter to block your mouth from your brain because you currently have none!" she yells.

"Rachel, please just let me explain," Puck pleads.

"Oh, I'd love to hear this," Rachel says in her unamused tone.

"Well, while there's nothing more I'd love than a hand job from my sexy girlfriend, when you put your hands on me they were freezing. And shit, that area's sensitive, well nothing on me's sensitive but you get the point. My cock can't handle the sudden weather change, babe."

At hearing this, Rachel clasps her hands over her mouth and runs over to hug her boyfriend. "Oh my goodness, Noah I'm so sorry. I didn't realize I hand my ice water in my hand that long." Noah probably would've laughed at Rachel's need to drink water before giving a hand job, but she was pressed against his still exposed and upright cock, and he was incapable of thought at that point.

"Rach, I'll make you a deal," Puck says. Rachel looks at him expectantly, ready to do anything for her boyfriend to forgive her. "Give me a hand job without the ice bath, and I'll forget there was an ice bath to begin with," he says with a wicked grin.

"Deal," Rachel whispers into his ear with a devilish grin and gives him the best hand job he's ever gotten.


	3. Dear Baby Girl In Mom's Stomach

**Prompt:** If mom says "no," she means it. If dad says "no," it means maybe.

-Joseph age 13

* * *

Dear baby girl in Mom's stomach,

Before you come out and totally fuck up my world as I know it, I thought I'd give you some helpful hints on how to be a Puckerman and how to not piss your brother off. So, here are the Ten Commandments of the Puckerman Family:

You are only allowed to have a dirty diaper when Mom, Dad, Grandma or your grandfathers are around. I may be your big brother, but I am way too badass to change diapers. On top of that, I do not wish to see or smell the vile things that come out of your body. I've had enough experiences with Aunt Quinn and Uncle Finn's babies to know that dirty diapers and me are not best friends.

If food in the fridge is yours, label it. If there is food in the fridge that is unlabeled, ask your big brother before you eat it. See, it works like this. Being an only child for 13 years, I pretty much run this place. That means that anything in the fridge is mine unless otherwise labeled. In short, put your name on your leftovers. Otherwise, Dad or I will most likely eat it without asking. Living in this house you will soon figure out that hungry boys are not responsible for their own actions.

No one questions the Puckerman badassness. There are serious consequences for anyone stupid enough to do this. You see, Puckermans are inherently badass. It's in our blood. Seriously, have you seen Dad's guns? And Mom, though a Puckerman by marriage, is still every bit as badass, except Mom is more of a badass in speech than in appearance. Mom can kill a person with words alone. Trust me, I've seen it done. What all this means is that Puckermans don't take shit. If anyone's mean to you, first you kick them where it hurts. Then, you call in your family for back-up. Mom might give you some lame lecture about how bad violence is, but at the end of the day, we all got your back and whoever messes with you won't know what hit him.

Siblings don't tell on each other. I've never had a brother or sister before, but I've learned enough about 'em from my classmates to know that we're supposed to have each other's backs. Now, that doesn't mean we have to like each other, but if I come home one Friday night at 2 am it's your duty as a good sister to not say anything to Mom and Dad. And I promise to do the same for you.

We all sing at the synagogue. I know you may or may not like singing (though if you don't like singing we may need to get your DNA tested), but as proud Jews whose mother practically sings about everything, it is our duty to oblige the woman who gave us life and sing when were at synagogue. I don't particularly love it, but trust me, not doing it is so much worse. Seriously, Mom is an expert at Jewish guilt trips (even more so than Grandma), and Dad will give you shit over it, and it's just not good. So whether you want to or not, sing and sing well.

Spend a lot of time at our Grandpas' house or at Grandma's house. We are their only grandchildren, which makes us pretty important to them. And they treat us really well. Grandma will make your favorite dessert (I recommend the oatmeal chocolate chip cookies) for you whenever you want. And if you're ever arguing with Dad, go over to her house. More often than not, she'll side with you and yell at Dad about it. And going over to our grandfathers' house is just awesome. I know it seems a little weird having two grandpas, but they are amazing. They are the ultimate spoilers and you should definitely appreciate it. And by the way, always suck up to them around all major holidays because they give the best gifts.

Don't interrupt Mom and Dad's kissing unless the house is on fire. To go along with that, if Mom and Dad's bedroom door is closed it means it's off-limits. Seriously, I don't want to explain why but you'll figure it out soon enough. Interrupting them is like a death sentence in this house. Mom's usually not too bad. She just gets a little pouty, and that's about it. But Dad's the one you gotta watch out for. There are very few things that upset him, but this is one of them. You will get chewed out to no end about how sacred Mom and Dad's kissing is and how you are never to interrupt it. Trust me, I speak from experience.

Never insult the arts. Nothing pisses off Mom more. And nothing's worse than when Mom's mad. Seriously, if you thought the lectures Grandma gives are bad, they pale in comparison to Mom's. So, anything with Barbra, Tony award-winning, Broadway, or just anything that sounds artsy fartsy is sacred and to be appreciated. Capiche?

There are double standards in the Puckerman household; live with it. This rule Dad's and not mine, but I still thought you should know. Personally, I don't care when you start dating so long as you aren't dating one of my bro's brothers because that's just weird. But Dad is overprotective as hell and mostly of his women. Ask his sister about that one. So, if you want to date that's fine but be secretive, and always ask Mom first. At least then you actually have a shot of getting to go. And if Mom's on your side, you're doing pretty well because as stubborn as Dad is, Mom's even more stubborn. Even so, good luck to you on the dating thing, and I'll pray for all your dates. I don't even want to know what kind of torture Dad has planned for them.

And finally, if Mom says "no," she means it. If Dad says "no," it means maybe. This is crucial to getting your way in this house. When you ask Mom something, her answer is her answer, and unless you have an iron-clad argument you aren't going to change her mind. So, save yourself the time, effort and humiliation, and just accept it. Dad, on the other hand, is far more flexible (in all areas except those mentioned in commandments 7 and 9). When negotiating with him, try to imagine what reservations he might have and come up with rebuttals to them. If you have even remotely good arguments, you'll usually win. Also, this is crucial: pout. Nothing makes Dad cave easier than seeing you sad, so use your Berry pout (which you will inherit) and your puppy dog eyes, and Dad's toast. In fact, watch Mom or me do it once and you'll see just how easy it is. How do you think Mom convinced Dad that you should have a Broadway-themed nursery? Or how do you think I got Dad to feed me dessert before dinner? Trust me, it may not seem this way, but Mom is the tough one and Dad is the softie. If you only remember one thing from this whole note, remember that.

Sincerely,

Your Brother Joseph

P.S. I realize you may not be able to read this, which is why I've made an audio recording that I will play for you every night. Hopefully, you will learn from my mistakes and won't have to make them yourself. Also, sorry for all the cursing. According to Mom, it's a horrible habit, but you better get used to this because Puckermans are notorious potty mouths.


	4. I'm Still A Guy

This is a song fic using lyrics from Brad Paisley's "I'm Still a Guy." Written for a prompt at the Puck/Rachel drabble meme on LJ. Lyrics are in italics. Setting is in bold.

* * *

_When you see a deer you see Bambi  
And I see antlers up on the wall  
When you see a lake you think picnic  
And I see a large mouth up under that log_

**Summer before senior year**

"Honest to Yahweh Rach, I'm really fuckin' pissed!" Puck exclaimed.

"You and I both Noah," Rachel replied. "But I honestly failure to see why you're so mad when I'm clearly the wronged party here."

"Oh yeah, and how's that the case when I'm the one who opened up his sacred end of summer ritual? This is a goddamn ritual. I've never had anyone come on my end of summer camping trip in a really long time."

Rachel knew the last time he had someone else with him. And it was because the last someone who went on this trip was Puck's deadbeat dad that Rachel agreed to come along in the first place. Now, she was beginning to really regret her decision.

"Noah, I don't think I'm being that ridiculous. All I asked was that you refrain from killing innocent and tender animals, such as Bambi over there," Rachel said, pointing to the flock of deer Noah was eying.

"Please, deer aren't a fucking Disney cartoon. They're good game meat and a pair of antlers for the wall," an annoyed Puck said.

"That is a terrible philosophy to live by and the whole reason this trip isn't working," Rachel said indignantly.

"Aww, c'mon babe I don't wanna fight," Noah said with a cajoling smile.

"I heartily concur Noah. I propose we take the nice picnic I packed and head down to the lake. It's such a great view to enjoy a balanced meal in front of," Rachel said, smiling and awaiting an enthusiastic response from her boyfriend. Her smile soon became a frown when Puck immediately burst out laughing.

"I fail to see what's so amusing about my suggestion," she huffed in disgust.

"I'm sorry," Puck said, calming down a bit. "But there are rules to camping sites like this you need to know. And one of the biggest lakes is that lakes are for fishin' and swimming only. Picnicking or whatever you called it too girly for camping."

"I resent the implication that camping is reserved for males only. While I admit it's not my first choice of a leisure time activity, I know many women who enjoy it."

"Woah woah, slow your roll," Puck said in a calming tone. "Look, how about we make a deal? You take your food out of that awful basket and eat it by the lake while ignoring the fishing that I will be doing. Then, I will fry up this feast for myself while you read your frilly book or go exploring for more Bambi's or some other shit like that. And then we end the night with some old-fashioned sex under the stars."

"Noah, what exactly does sex under the stars entail?" Rachel questioned.

"Just what it says. You and me fuck like rabbits with the night sky as our light," Noah whispered in her ear.

"Oh, in that case," Rachel began with a disapproving look on her face.

"Deal," she continued, a smile spreading on her face.

* * *

_You're probably thinking that you're going to change me  
In some ways well maybe you might  
Scrub me down, dress me up but no matter what  
I'm still a guy_

**Senior Prom**

"Noah, quit moping and have some fun. This is our last prom ever," Rachel said.

"Well thank fuck for that," Puck said, which earned him a disappointed glare from Rachel. "Seriously Rach, you have no fuckin clue how terrible these tuxes are. I can barely turn my head it holds me in so goddamn tight."

"It's really not as bad as you're making it," Rachel said, rolling her eyes. "If you'd have a better attitude, I'm sure you could enjoy yourself here."

"Okay, you are insane. You got what you wanted, my badass self all dressed up with my balls in your purse and here at this lame ass prom. But you're asking too much of me here Rachel."

"You're right, how could I expect you to be anything other than an immature guy?" Rachel said, her volume increasing a bit.

"Now," Puck began arguing but was cut off when Mike Chang came in the room.

"Dude, Santana helped me sneak a bunch of vodka in here. Let's go spike the punch dude," Mike said, hitting Puck's chest and pointing to the Latina Cheerio across the room.

"So there," Puck said and moved to leave.

"Noah, are you really gonna leave me?" Rachel asked with a kicked-puppy look on her face.

"Sorry, Rach but I'm still a guy and this is gonna be some epic shit. Why don't you come with me? After I spike the punch and enjoy a glass or five, I'll probably be willing to slow dance with you," Puck suggested.

"Okay," Rachel said as she went along. Hey, she's come to learn that with the two of them, compromise is always the best alternative. The slow danceshe received in their hotel room that night is proof of that.

* * *

_When you see a priceless French painting  
I see a drunk, naked girl  
You think that riding a wild bull sounds crazy  
And I'd like to give it a whirl_

**First Semester at OSU**

"Noah, I think this is a really horrible idea," Rachel said apprehensively.

"You would think that. You also thought going to that art museum was a good idea when all it was was walls and walls of gardens and flowers and shit. The only slightly good part was the one with the drunk, naked girl," Puck replied.

"A, that art museum was fabulous. B, landscapes were my favorite part of the whole place. And C, that was a priceless French painting, not some drunk, naked girl," Rachel argued.

"Potato, potato," Puck replied.

"Oh Noah, I'm so happy you're finally appreciating true art," Rachel said to a confused Puck. "Shall We Dance is a fabulous film and Let's Call This Whole Thing Off is an integral part of that."

"Whatever," Noah shrugged. "Now, will you ride the mechanical bull?"

"I don't know," Rachel said, still unsure.

"It'll be great, trust me," Noah said, smiling and nudging her a bit. Okay, Rachel was done for. There was no way she could turn down his eyes, his smile, and his touch. Resisting one was hard enough but all three was scientifically impossible.

So, Rachel marched over to the line and prepared to take her turn. Turn out those years in dance class gave her great skills for bull-riding. Puck swore he never saw anything hotter than that, and he told that to Rachel many times that night.

* * *

_Well love makes a man do some things he ain't proud of  
And in a weak moment I might _

_Walk your sissy dog, hold your purse at the mall  
But remember, I'm still a guy_

**2****nd**** Semester at OSU**

"Remind me again why I agreed to this," Puck moaned as he was buried by yet another shopping bag of Rachel's. He was now carrying 5 bags full of, in his opinion, useless shit. Well, most of it was. There were a couple of things in those bags that Puck was excited to see on Rachel.

"Because we're shopping for Spring Break necessities like dresses, bikinis, and of course lingerie. And because I promised you a great reward later this evening if you're good. So stop whining and follow me," Rachel ordered.

"Yes ma'am," Puck said now more energized about this whole excursion. "We goin to Vikki's Secret now?"

"Yes, in fact we are," Rachel replied and the two of them began walking towards their destination.

"Puck, Rachel?" Santana said, stopping the couple right outside Victoria's Secret.

"Hello Santana. How are you?" Rachel replied cordially. The two might not have been the best of friends in high school, but going to the same college brought the two together. In fact now, they're a little too good of friends for Puck's liking. Seriously, the two girls who have the most shit on you should not be best friends. It's like a law.

"Okay," Santana replied. "I see you're doing okay now that you've got Puck as your bitch for the day. Ah hell, who am I kidding? You've had that boy whipped since day one."

"I resent your accusation that Noah is whipped. I choose to look at it as him wanting to please me at any and all expense," Rachel huffed out.

"Chill out R.B." Santana said with a chuckle. "Don't get your panties in a wad. Oh, I forgot you probably aren't wearing any. Go in there and try on everything and make sure to buy something extra slutty. And you," she said turning to Puck. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do," she said with a wink.

Noah followed Santana's advice well. And okay, he may be whipped, but he can live with that if dressing room sex is in the equation.

* * *

_I'll pour out my heart, hold your hand in the car  
Write a love song that makes you cry  
Then turn right around, knock some jerk to the ground  
'Cause he copped a feel as you walked by_

**Junior Year at OSU**

Puck may have pitched a fit about coming to this "douchey café," but he was totally faking it. This open mic night was one of the best ideas Rachel's had in a while. And it didn't take much convincing on her part to get him to sing. He was going to sing his cover of Jewish singer Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah," but Rachel had other plans. She thought it would be "positively heartwarming" if he sang the song he wrote for her as a high school graduation.

Puck was all fine and well to sing that song to her in private, but he just wasn't cool with singing that in public. No, not for the reason you think. He's not afraid of looking like a pussy or anything like that. He knows he's badass. Rachel's blushes confirm that for him regularly. But he finds that song to be something personal between him and Rachel. It's their experience and no one else's. So, on the night of he tells Rachel as much.

"Oh Noah, that's so sweet. Of course you don't have to sing it tonight. That was so sweet," Rachel said with an understanding smile.

"You have a sweet ass girl," a smug jerk says to Rachel. No one gets a change to say anything. Puck punched the jerk out (One punch from Puck left the ass on the ground and out of it), grabbed Rachel, and they left.

"Let go of me Noah," Rachel said as soon as they are outside of the café. Puck released Rachel, and she turned to face him.

"What?" he asked gruffly still upset from what happened inside.

"Why are you being like this? Some Neanderthal made a jerky remark. You dealt with it in a way I'm ignoring since I abhor violence, and we let. I know this is weird coming from me, but just let it go," Rachel said exasperated.

"It's not just that babe. It's that if things like this happen when I'm around I can only imagine what happens when I'm not around. And I hate to know that assholes can get away with this shit unharmed. That ain't kosher at all."

"Noah, you know how much of an overachiever I am," Rachel said with a smile. "I've taken a self-defense class or two in my life." Puck gave her a disbelieving look.

"I know how the precise way to kick a guy to not only ensure that he's suffering but to also ensure that intercourse will never be pleasant again," Rachel whispered into Puck's ear.

Puck's smirk turned to a scowl when he realized he was going to have to be careful around Rachel. During a certain time every month, Puck wouldn't be surprised if Rachel used that shit on him. Aww fuck, he's doomed.

* * *

_I __can hear you now talking to your friends  
Saying, "Yeah girls he's come a long way"  
From dragging his knuckles and carrying a club  
And building a fire in a cave_

**Senior Year**

Coming back to Lima instead of going on Spring Break senior year had been a wonderful idea. It took a little effort on her part to convince Puck that this was better than "sex on the beach in more ways than one," but she's happy she did. As much as she was made fun of in high school, her fellow glee members have all stayed in touch with her and Puck and were actually nice to her. She credits a lot of that to Noah's calming influence on her, but regardless, she's happy to see the girls again.

"So Rach, has Puck finally dropped the whole caveman thing at all?" Santana asked, interrupting Rachel's concentration.

"Yeah Santana, he's made a lot of progress. He only inhabits a cave part-time now," Rachel said, responding to the only other glee member who went to OSU with Noah and her. All the girls chuckled at this.

"Does that me he no longer has a dress code for you when you go clubbing?" Tina asked, all the girls remembering the massive fight Rachel and Puck had over that.

"Yes Tina, I am now in charge of my own attire when we go to those establishments," Rachel said.

"But he's still as overprotective when guys flirt with you, right?" Santana said with a knowing look.

"Yes," Rachel answered," but that's actually not such a bad thing. Every time Noah gets overprotective he gets really horny so I actually enjoy his jealous streak."

"Eww," all the girls moan at the same time. Rachel just stares and laughs. God, Noah was such a terrible influence on her.

* * *

_But when you say a backrub means only a backrub  
Then you swat my hand when I try  
Well, what can I say at the end of the day  
Honey, I'm still a guy_

**New York, 3 Years after Graduation**

"Uhhh," Rachel sighs, and plops onto the couch a minute after entering their apartment. It was her first rehearsal for her first Broadway lead and she was exhausting. What? Broadway choreography was intense.

"Hey babe," Puck said with a sympathetic smile and leaned down to kiss her cheek, "long day?"

"Incredibly," Rachel answered. "I'm so exhausted. I'm going to change into my pajamas and then lay on the bed. Would you mind giving me a backrub?" she asked with a pleading smile.

"Ooh, sounds kinky," Puck says with an eyebrow raise.

"Honestly Noah, you see the condition tonight. It's going to be a backrub and nothing more, got it?"

"Got it got it, no need to rip my balls out," Puck said putting his hands up in defense. "Go get changed, and I'll be in there in a bit."

Okay seriously, Rachel was cruel. If all she wanted was a backrub, why in the hell would she wear the skimpiest nightie she owns? Because she wanted to torture her poor boyfriend, that's why.

Given how Rachel was dressed, Puck thought it was a miracle that he made it five minutes through the massage before reaching down to cup her ass. Rachel, apparently didn't see it that way. As soon as she did, she got up and off the bed and locked herself in the bathroom.

"Rach, this is stupid. You're stuck on the cold, hard bathroom floor when you could be out here getting a soothing massage from your stud of a boyfriend," Puck said.

"How do I know you won't just grab my butt again?" Rachel questioned.

"Babe, I'm a dude and you've got a great ass. When it's laying for me on display in that gorgeous get-up I can't resist. But how about we make a deal?" Rachel looked at him apprehensively. "I'll give you a great massage and you let me grab your ass every few minutes or so, okay?"

"Okay," Rachel agreed and was out the door and on the bed in seconds. Apparently, her exhaustion and his kick ass massage skills were great motivators for Rachel tonight.

* * *

_I'll pour out my heart, hold your hand in the car  
Write a love song that makes you cry  
Then turn right around knock some jerk to the ground  
'Cause he copped a feel as you walked by_

**Red Carpet Event at a Nightclub, 1 Year Later**

"I still don't know why I'm doing this," Puck grumbled in the limo.

"Oh please," Rachel replied disbelievingly, "you've used that line enough, and we both know you do these things because you love me."

"I'm glad you still got your charm, babe," Puck says.

"Oh just smile and be good arm candy like I know you're capable of," Rachel said with a teasing smile.

"I only do this because I love you," Puck said, making Rachel swoon. Then he escorted her out of the limo and into the sea of vultures.

"Rachel over here, over here Rachel!" come screams from all over the place, telling her to turn one way or the other, to smile, to blow a kiss, or something of that nature. These don't really bother Puck. After all, the whole point of a red carpet is to pose for pictures. The really annoying paps are the ones who make snide comments or ask personal questions. Seriously, the invading questions might be okay for an interview but certainly not a red carpet.

"Rachel, what's with the weight gain?" asked the douche reporter who always camped outside their apartment. "Stopped going to the gym?"

The red carpet was soon silenced when Puck ran over and knocked the dude flat on his ass. He most likely will be in every paper tomorrow, but he doesn't give a shit. His girlfriend's weight was off limits to everyone, himself included. Hell, wasn't it like a known rule that a girl's weight is just something never to be discussed? Seriously, he thought he'd never have to clarify that, especially given that Rachel was so super tiny. In fact, sometimes Puck considered mentioning to her to gain some weight, but then he remembered the aforementioned rule and shut his mouth.

Anyways, Rachel's publicist was all pissed at him, but he didn't care. That woman couldn't scare an ant. It was Rachel he was worried about. He really wanted to avoid the whole "I abhor violence" speech since he's only heard it about seventy times.

Luckily, Rachel is full of surprises. After all this went down and they were safely inside the club, out of the earshot of those hounds, she just leaned over and whispered, "At least we don't have to worry about getting a restraining order." And that's not even the best part. She ended that statement with not just any nod, THE nod, the nod that meant he was getting lucky tonight. Oh yeah, Puck punched a dude for being a douche to his girl and he gets laid for it. Epic night!

* * *

_These days there's dudes getting facials  
Manicured, waxed and botoxed  
With deep spray-on tans and creamy lotiony hands  
You can't grip a tacklebox_

**2 Years Later**

"Noah, it's a wedding. In fact, it's our wedding; there's a certain dress code that comes with that. You know, like having a fully buttoned suit, looking like you didn't just roll out of bed, and wearing a hairstyle that isn't associated with juvenile delinquents. You are the groom. As the name implies, you have to be well groomed."

"Exactly Rach. This is a heterosexual wedding. I can't have people questioning that when they see me looking like a gay guy. That's just not right. Plus, I thought a wedding was supposed to be representational of who you are and I'm not well groomed. And you know what, I'm okay with that," Puck argued back.

"For me?" Rachel said with those eyes that were Puck's undoing every time. Whatever, he might have to give her what she wanted but he sure as hell needed to get something out of this.

"Fine, you can dress me up however you like but then I get to pack our suitcases for our honeymoon," Puck said with a devious smile. Rachel knew exactly what this meant. Slutty, slutty, and oh yeah slutty.

"So long as there's actual articles of clothing in my suitcase I'm okay with it," Rachel said.

"What the hell Rach? You think I'm gonna let my wife walk around Hawaii stark naked? You're crazy," Puck said with an incredulous tone.

"Noah, I find it highly arousing when you say the word wife to me," Rachel said with a lustful sigh.

"Well you better get used to it because I'm going to say it a lot lately," Puck said with a smile and kissed Rachel.

"Our marriage is going to be fabulous if we can compromise so well before we are married," Rachel said as she was snuggling up to Puck.

"Of course it is. Have you seen us? We're two kick-ass individuals. That can only lead to a kick-ass marriage."

* * *

_With all of these men lining up to get neutered  
It's hip now to be feminized  
I don't highlight my hair, I've still got a pair  
Yeah honey, I'm still a guy_

**2 Year After Wedding**

"Noah, we've been trying for almost a year," Rachel said, handing Puck the pamphlets she'd picked up at the doctor's office. "I think it's time we start exploring our options for IVF and other treatments."

"Rachel, no. I'm not going to do that," Puck said, earning a disapproving glare from Rachel. "Honestly, IVF is a insult to my masculinity Rach."

"I'm not following Noah. Through IVF the baby is still yours and has your genes. It just needs a little help getting conceived."

"That's the whole point. I've still got a functioning pair. We should be able to do this," Puck said stubbornly.

"Well obviously not. It's been a year," Rachel yelled.

"Exactly. So what's one more month?" Puck argued. "Give me one more month. If I can't get you pregnant by then we'll relook at IVF."

"I told you one more month was all it would take," Puck said nine months later when Rachel gave birth to Lyla Christine Puckerman.

* * *

_Oh my eyebrows ain't plucked  
There's a gun in my truck  
Oh thank God, I'm still a guy_

**16 Years Later**

"Lyla Christine fucking Puckerman!" Puck yelled up the stairs.

"I didn't know fucking was my middle name now, father dearest," Lyla said with a sneer. Yeah, she'd definitely inherited the Puckerman smart-ass tendencies.

"Don't play that game with me, young lady. You know I'm pissed and you know why. Rule Number 1 in this house is no serious boyfriends. Followed closely behind that, because you're mother insisted that the rule couldn't be no dating, is that all prospective dates must meet with your father beforehand. Did you forget that when you agreed to meet Cory Hamlin tonight at the bowling alley?"

"No. I talked to Mom about it, and she said it was fine because Cory met Uncle Kurt a couple days ago. She said, and I quote, "As long as any possible suitors meet a male authority figure in your life, you are permitted to socialize with him," Lyla said in Rachel's exact tone.

"Yeah, well your mother's mistaken. I agree that as long as the ass wipe meets someone like Finn or me that's okay, but Kurt is not acceptable.

"I don't get it daddy," she whined. "What's so different about you and Uncle Kurt?"

"For one, I don't pluck my goddamn eyebrows. But most importantly, there's a gun in my truck."

"Daddy, you never told me you were gonna scare my dates. That's not very nice," Lyla says in her best baby voice. She knew what he was up to all along, but she found playing the dumb baby worked best with her father. He never could resist that act when portrayed by either her or her mother. What can she say? Her mother taught me well.

"Well, Jesus Christ what did you think I was going to do with the kid, have tea and fucking cookies?" Puck said and then instantly regretted it. Lyla got the "kicked puppy" look which meant his wallet would soon be emptied.

After, one full department store bag and a pumpkin spice latte, Puck was back in Lyla's good graces. It was just in time to scare the piss out of that Cory kid. No joke. Kid had to run to the bathroom because Puck scared him so much. It was reassuring after all these years to see that people still knew he was a badass.


	5. Hands Off the Bump

**A/N:** Written for this prompt at the Puck/Rachel Drabble Meme on lj. "_Puck is very possessive of Rachel's baby bump. And get a bit upset and jealous when he sees some other guy with his hand on the bump."_

* * *

You see, here's the thing. Rachel Berry understands why strangers feel it's okay to touch a woman's baby bump. They think since a cute little baby is growing inside of there, it's fair game for anyone to touch it. But that doesn't mean Rachel has to like it. It's just weird having total strangers touching her even if it's not in any sort of romantic way. It just doesn't feel right.

She's about one touch away from losing it when her fiancé beats her to it. They are out at the store stocking up on the week's groceries. The list appears to be growing as Rachel passes each aisle and always manages to find at least one item she positively can't live without but that wasn't on her list. But Puck doesn't say anything because after a month or two with pregnant and hormonal Rachel, he had his strategy down. Shut the fuck up and spoil her. Now six months along, he was a pro at it.

They're in the produce section, and Rachel is carefully deciding on the ripeness of banana that would best satisfy her while Noah's on the other end of the aisle, looking at the veggies and picking out the ones he can actually eat. This is the absolute worst moment for something like this to happen.

"Hello Miss," said a man in his thirties says. "I see we're fast approaching the miracle of birth aren't we?" Then, he put one arm around Rachel while the other caressed her belly. Rachel had to admit this weirded her out. She didn't know this man from Adam and here she was in a full on embrace with him. But Rachel, ever the actress tries to stifle all of the vile words she wants to tell that man and keep as straight of a face as possible. With any luck, he'll cop his feel (at her belly of course) and all will be done.

Unfortunately or maybe fortunately for her, Noah has entirely different ideas. He has seen the whole encounter with the man and was none too pleased with what went down. He's been putting up with the constant line of strangers touching his fiancée's belly for far too long. It's time to set some things straight with this asshat who thinks he can get all up on his woman like this.

Tapping the man on the shoulder he said, "Excuse me, I think you must be thinking of someone else who has an uncanny resemblance to my fiancée because there's no fuckin' way you're touching my fiancée, whom you don't even know. My girl is never to be touched like you're touching her without the expressed written consent…"

"…of Major League Baseball," the guy quipped back. Puck obviously wasn't amused by that smart-ass remark.

"No, of me. And trust me, that's far worse. You don't want to find out the consequences I dole out for breaking that rule. Trust me dude, just back the fuck up and leave while your face is still in one piece," Puck threatened with a menacing look.

Puck had expected a lecture from Rachel. Usually, when he's that "rude" or curses that much, he can't get a word in edgewise for at least five minutes, and he's forced to grovel his way to forgiveness. But the look she gave his was one he'd never seen before, and he wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing.

But Rachel didn't let him find out. They were in a grocery store, and whatever she was feeling, she didn't want to express it in front of the store. Even though the pregnancy had upped the Rachel Berry freak-outs, she still had impeccable timing and rarely had one in public.

So, they finished getting their groceries, which took a lot longer than you'd think. I mean, it takes a while to rack up a $400 bill in a grocery store. But that's okay with Puck. They can afford it, and his girls deserve it.

The car ride home was silent. It bugged the hell out of Puck, but he let it be. Another great lesson pregnancy had taught him: silence is golden. It means she isn't freaking out or busting your balls or anything like that. So, Puck's learned to not interrupt silent time no matter how frustrating it may be. When they get home, Rachel finally broke her silence.

"Oh thank you so much, Noah," Rachel said and wrapped her arms around Puck as soon as they got inside. Puck was a bit taken aback but quickly recovered and held her tight. After the embrace ended, Rachel cleared some things up for Puck.

"I thought it would never stop. It seems for the past month every person I come in contact with has an insatiable need to touch my belly. I'm fine with people I know touching my belly, but all these strangers are really starting to creep me out," Rachel sighed and said.

"Oh, thank fuck!" Puck exclaimed. When Rachel gives him a funny look, he decided to explain. "I've been seeing a lot of those people touching you, and it was really starting to piss me off. That's my baby girl in there, and I don't want a bunch of douches fondling her. It's just fuckin' weird." Now, Rachel's the one confused.

"I don't get it Noah. If that bothered you so much, why didn't you say something? You've never been shy in your possessiveness before. Why start now?"

"You're pregnant babe," Noah said. "And I know it bugs you when I make a scene or cuss people out. So, I figured my unhappiness was ok because then you wouldn't be upset with me or embarrassed."

"Oh Noah, that is one of the sweetest things you've ever said," Rachel said with an adoring smile.

"But now that I know, you hate random dudes touching your bump as much as I do, it's on. No dude's gonna touch my girl again and still have his balls attached if I have anything to say about it."

For once, Rachel didn't lecture him about violence or any of that. She just smiled and nodded, and Puck was so fucking relieved he could finally put an end to that shit that'd been bugging him for so long.

It really wasn't that difficult to do. All it took were a few well-placed threats and a black eye or two and no one in Lima bothered to even look at Rachel's belly anymore. Rachel was so grateful that she gave Puck some of the best sex she'd given her whole pregnancy. She'd been kind of withholding sex lately because it could be a bit uncomfortable, but now she was a complete animal, and Puck would punch whoever he needed to to keep her that way.


	6. I Look Hot Today You Missed Out

_I wrote this at work on my iPhone. I pre-apologize for all grammar/spelling mistakes. First Drabble in a while so I hope it's okay._

_Comes from a picture prompt on the Puck Rachel Drabble Meme that said "I looked hot today. You missed out."_

* * *

Rachel really doesn't get men sometimes. No really, they are the oddest creatures sometimes. Take her boyfriend. His brain was always on one track, and that seemed to be sex with her. Needless to say, Rachel was getting very good at being the responsible one in the relationship.

Except, right at this moment all she wanted were those advances. She wanted to be...well...thoroughly fucked by her boyfriend. It was the knowledge that her boyfriend would be up to the task that got her through the day.

It must be the apocalypse or something earth-shattering like that because usually when she says, "Baby, let's have a night in," he's all over it. Tonight is the exception to every rule it seems.

"I'd love that babe, but Sam got tickets for the midnight showing of Harry Potter, and it's gonna be so awesome to see Voldemort get his ass handed to him."

A million retorts went through Rachel's head at that moment, but then something occurred to her. With a wicked smile and an "okay," Rachel left Puck in the living room of their apartment while she went to their bedroom to make a call.

"Hey bitch," Santana said, picking up her phone.

"Your idiot of a boyfriend messed up my plans with Noah, so I'm ready for revenge. You in?"

"I'm so glad I brought you to the dark side. I'll be right over," Santana said and hung up.

* * *

**_Hours Later_**

Puck was worried. Rachel hadn't argued with him at all. That could only mean a few things for him: nonconsensual celibacy or the silent treatment or worse, both.

Just as he was ready to call and make sure she was okay, his phone buzzed. Looking to Sam, he saw his friend digging out his phone too. Puck read a text message from Rachel that simply said, "I looked hot today. You missed out." Breathing a sigh of relief that Rachel wasn't too pissed, Puck began to type a reply, but then another message came in.

"But she didn't," it read, accompanied by a picture of his girlfriend and her (evil) best friend in the middle of a serious make out session. From the looks of it, there was a lot of tongue involved.

"Damnit," Puck muttered. "Let's go Evans." Sam didn't protest.

* * *

"Looking for us?" Santana asked as the boys exited the theater.

"You both suck," Sam said.

"Don't blame me," Santana said and threw her hands up. "It was all Rachel's idea."

"Baby?" Puck looked at his girlfriend curiously.

"What can I say? Fuck me don't fuck with me, or you'll be sorry."

Puck completely forgot the movie, hoisted his girlfriend up, and took her home. His girlfriend may he the devil, but she was a damn hot devil. Pun intended.


	7. The Best Matchmaker

The prompt is here http :/ puckrachel . livejournal . com / 592150 . html ? thread=15970070 # t15970070 just remove the spaces. Edited some but not heavily, so if there are a few mistakes, I apologize. A fair amount of language. This is Puck after all.

* * *

It happens when he's 'getting over' his sixth failed relationship in five months. He's 24, and after college, he decided to stop having fuck buddies and start having relationships. Only problem is he can never seem to find a girl who's relationship material. A few weeks (or days) into the relationship he sees how fucking annoying she is or how boring she is or something else he just can't deal with.

He has his breakup routine down. He goes to the bar (with or without one of his boys) and gets plastered and fucks the hottest girl he can find. He said he was done having fuck buddies, but he's still down for the occasional one night stand to mend his broken heart. Tonight, all of the boys are busy so he took the next best thing, Santana. Seriously, the bitch can be an awesome wingwoman when she wants to be.

Only, tonight she doesn't want to be. She says she's PMSing and isn't going to help Puck "land a slut." Instead, she wants to be freaking Dr. Philippe.

"Shut the fuck up Puck. I don't care what or who you came to do, we're going to figure this shit out," she told him, annoyed of his protests.

"Do I even have a choice?"

"Not unless you like your balls attached to your body," Santana said and then squinted. Puck knows that means she's serious.

"Ok, well what do I do?"

"Hmm…well. Let's start with the easy stuff. Let's make a list of what you want in a girlfriend."

"Ok," Puck said and proceeded to write the list. "Done," he said when he had finished writing.

"Ok, give it to me," Santana said.

"What? No, there's some personal shit on here. I don't trust you with this," Puck said and pulled the list against his chest.

"Well, too fucking bad. I'm going to be like the Millionaire Matchmaker or whatever and find you the perfect girl. I need the list to do that."

"Fine whatever here," Puck said and handed over the list.

"Excellent. Now, let's get out of here. I got serious work to do," Santana said and they both exited the bar.

_A few days later_

Puck was going through his typical mail contents of bills and such when he came across an envelope with Santana's return address. Curious as to what she was open, he tore it open and saw his list only it was changed.

**My next girlfriend needs...**  
. _**To LOVE hockey**_ Your girlfriend doesn't need to love a sport that celebrates and encourages violence.  
. _Smoke weed_ Besides the fact that this is illegal, it is also unhealthy.  
. **_Know how to roll a Wiz Khalifa Joint (I can teach whomever how to)_** Same reason as the second one. Honestly Noah, you do not want or deserve a girlfriend who participates and encourages such abhorrent acts.  
. Love to cuddle -This is a great quality, and I'm happy you included it.  
. Love to kiss -I like this one, though I would like to change it to loving to hug as well.  
. Love me for me -Another great one and something that should be the foundation to a good relationship.  
. **_Have a nice ass_** Besides the fact that mine is on the small side, this objectifies women and does nothing to build a relationship. While physical attraction is important, it is not central to a successful, healthy relationship.  
. Be able to make me laugh -Humor is great for a relationship. While I'm not the best at it, I'm leaving this on the list because it is actually good to have in a relationship.  
. Be faithful -THIS. I'm glad you've realized that if you're not going to be faithful there's no reason to be in a relationship.  
. Be committed -Another great one. For it to be a relationship and not just a fling, commitment is essential.

If you can live with this new, edited list give me a call at 867-5309.

If he didn't know who it was from the language used and the fact that whoever edited it called him "Noah," the gold star at the end totally gave it away. Santana wanted to set him up with Rachel, and the more he thought about it, the more he thought it wasn't the worst idea in the world in the world. And at this point, it was worth the shot.

Judging by the wedding that took place two years later, Santana was an amazing matchmaker. And she took every opportunity to tell everyone that at the reception and hand out business cards for her newly started matchmaking business. Patti Stanger wouldn't know what fucking hit her.

* * *

If it wasn't already apparent, the bolded and italicized items are the ones Rachel crossed out and the underlined ones were the ones she kepts. Unfortunately, doesn't let me use strike through or I would've done that. =)


End file.
